Liar, liar, pants on fire! What to do when your child lies
Telling white lies occasionally is normal, but persistent lying is cause for concern.
Lying is one of man's most significant character flaws, which is why many parents are quick to nip it in the bud as early as possible.
Children lie for many different reasons, and in some cases, it is not something to worry about, especially if they are under the age of three.
Toddlers and preschoolers often tell imaginary lies, a form of storytelling based on fantasy rather than reality. For example, they might say, "Mom, there's a dragon in the garden, and it is eating all the tomatoes."
It's not a fact because dragons aren't real, and you can't keep your succulents alive, let alone grow tomatoes. So, the chances of there being a tomato-eating dragon in your garden are zero to none.
As children get older, they start to lie for more serious reasons. A few examples include:
- Trying to get out of trouble
- Testing boundaries/ rules
- Peer pressure
- Fear of disappointment
- Protecting other people and/or their feelings
- To get something they want
Whether you should be concerned or not depends on their age. According to Better Self Psychology, many children don't see a distinct line between fantasy and reality until seven.
Raising Children notes that kids usually start lying at the age of 2-3 and become better at it between the ages of 4-6. However, they are likelier to own up to their lies when asked.
As they age, they become more observant and understand human behaviour much better, which means their lies can become more elaborate.
Parents also need to understand the difference between a white lie and a black lie before deciding what steps to take.
A white lie is relatively innocent; in most cases, it is harmless and done with good intentions. Adults also tell white lies.
For example, the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, or complimenting a colleague on their new haircut looks great when it would put Lord Farquaad's straight bob to shame.
On the other hand, a black lie is more malicious and is often only for personal gain and sometimes to harm others.
Parents with children who are chronic or pathological liars should consider seeking professional help to find the root cause of the problem.
Here's an age-by-age guide on how to handle children who lie.
Toddlers (2-3)
Make-believe is fun for toddlers, and their "lies" are not meant to be deceptive. However, you can start building the foundation for truth-telling.
Acknowledge their playful story but remain calm: "Oh my, a big dinosaur ate our tomatoes? I guess we won't be having tomato soup for dinner tonight."
However, give them a gentle nudge in the right direction by introducing the difference between reality and fantasy in conversations.
Punishing them for lying at this age could cause further confusion and make them fearful of exploring their creativity.
Preschoolers (4-5)
Children at this age can better grasp the concept of right and wrong. They might still live in Fantasy Land, but this is where foundation-building really starts.
Many kids at this age lie about things they have done wrong to avoid getting into trouble, such as breaking a cup or spilling juice on the carpet.
Some will quickly own up to the lie, and perhaps even make a giggly confession. This is why building trust between you and your child is essential. A child who is fearful of their parent is less likely to admit their wrongdoing because they are too afraid of the consequences.
If they insist that they did not spill juice on the carpet, even though it is a blatant lie, try gentle parenting. Don't scold them; instead, say something like, 'I'm not upset about the juice on the carpet because even mommy/daddy has had accidents. Do you want to tell me again what happened?'
This way, you allow them to admit when they have done something wrong instead of lying being their default.
Early primary stage (6–10)
At this age, many children clearly understand right from wrong, but some will continue to lie even when confronted.
If a child persists in lying, try to understand their reason for lying. Are they afraid, protecting someone, or just lying out of habit?
This will help you understand which approach to take. Children 6-8 might need real-life examples about the consequences of lying, while preteens, 9-12, could benefit from regular discussions about honesty and morals.
Interestingly, tweens and younger children have no problem playfully calling out each other's lies. Who can forget the famous playground chant, "liar, liar pants on fire"?
Children over 13 are much more challenging as their lies tend to get more brazen. Parenting Today's Teens notes that "dishonesty tends to grow with each lie that isn’t caught or addressed."
"Throughout the process of confronting your teen’s dishonesty, remember to affirm that you love your teen. Communicate that no matter what, you’re on his side," the nonprofit states on its website.
"Also communicate the big picture: dishonesty will hurt him in life and he needs to stop. Once your teen understands your expectations and knows that he can come and talk to you, then be sure to affirm and celebrate him as he grows in honesty."
There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to handling lies, as each child is different and so are their circumstances.
Regardless of your child's age, remaining calm when discussing lies is crucial.
Don't call them a liar, which will only make them more defensive.
If you feel you are fighting a losing battle or your child isn't getting it, don't be afraid to ask for help from other trusted moms or a child psychologist for professional advice.
Disclaimer: Health-related information provided in this article is not a substitute for medical advice and should not be used to diagnose or treat health problems. It is always advisable to consult with your doctor on any health-related issues.
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