What is weaponised incompetence?
Weaponised incompetence is a psychological dynamic that can cause resentment and imbalance in relationships, often through feigned incompetence and avoidance of tasks.
Weaponised incompetence is a phenomenon where one person in a relationship or partnership deliberately avoids or refuses to perform certain tasks, using their "incompetence" as an excuse. This can lead to an imbalance in responsibilities, causing resentment and tension in the relationship.
When one person consistently avoids tasks, it can lead to feelings of frustration, anger, and isolation in the other person, reports Cleveland Clinic. This dynamic can be particularly damaging in relationships where children are involved, as it can teach them unhealthy expectations and behaviours.
According to psychologist Susan Albers, “It teaches kids very toxic behaviours. They’re given the expectation that one parent is more trustworthy, and the other one doesn't have any responsibility."
Several signs may indicate that weaponised incompetence is present in a relationship. These include:
Consistent use of phrases such as "I'm not good at that" or "You do this task better than I can" as excuses.
No attempt to improve or learn new skills, despite requests from the other person.
Using the word "help" to describe taking responsibility for a task implies that the other person is ultimately responsible.
Shifting blame to the other person, such as saying "You didn't give me the right instructions" or "You never taught me how to do this".
Weaponised incompetence can manifest in various ways, including:
Household tasks such as cleaning, cooking and laundry
Childcare and parenting responsibilities
Decision-making and financially related tasks
Workplace settings, where one person may avoid tasks or shift responsibility to others
In some cases, individuals may use weaponised incompetence to avoid specific tasks, such as household chores or childcare. For example, a person may claim they are "not good" at folding laundry or cooking and shift the responsibility to their partner.
This can lead to an unequal distribution of tasks and create resentment in the relationship.
It is essential to address weaponised incompetence in relationships, as it can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration. By recognising the signs and working together to find a solution, couples can create a more balanced and equitable dynamic. This may involve setting clear boundaries and expectations, dividing tasks more evenly, and addressing people-pleasing tendencies.
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