Open letter: Dear men, we are not your property!
"Female. Daughter. Sister. Soon-to-be mother. Survivor of abuse. Watcher of abuse. When and where will I ever be safe?"
Dear men,
We are not your property!
Female. Daughter. Sister. Soon-to-be mother. Survivor of abuse. Watcher of abuse. When and where will I ever be safe?
That feeling of constantly having to watch my back. Being fearful of the person standing across from me. Wondering if my partner will someday turn into a violent monster. Being afraid to stand at my gate in the event I get snatched. Afraid of who is trolling my social media and planning something vicious. Afraid of the security guard. Afraid of the policeman. Afraid of the postman. Constantly afraid!
Zolile Khumalo, Leighandre Jegels, Amy-lee de Jager, Popi Gwabe, Snegugu Mthembu, Jane Govindasamy, Bongeka Phungula, Karabo Mokoena, Janika Mallo, Shirley James, Anene Booysen, Courtney Pieters, Thlolo Setwaba, Hannah Cornelius, Naledi Lethoba, Jesse jess,
Viwe Ndoda, Uyinene Mrwetyana, and the list goes on and on.
It’s amazing how the world can turn upside down in just a day, scratch that… the world has been upside down for the longest time, but it’s only in moments of great tragedy do we all get up in arms about things we take for granted every day.
I woke up this morning, scrolled through Twitter and my heart was left broken. My heart broke for Uyinene Mrwetyana. My heart asked how running an errand could end in tragedy. I will not mention her murderer’s name. I will not give his name power, but I am still trying to figure out what part of his being thought his actions were okay.
Calculating, manipulative, vile, horrendous, what made him think he had this type of power? I suppose only he and his maker will ever know? The sad reality is that there are so many of like him out there and so many more being shaped at this very moment.
They sit in our homes, they place rings on our fingers, we call them uncle, they teach our children. The fact is, abusers are everywhere - all the time, and they are no longer afraid to creep in the dark. They show us their true colours in the bright of day.
“Sit like a lady,” they say. “Make sure your dress is not short,” they say. “Mind your drink,” they say. “Carry pepper spray,” they say. “Wear a baseball cap when you drive at night,” they say. They say, and they say, and they say, and yet we are still raped, mutilated, beaten to a pulp, set on fire in open fields, snatched in broad daylight, shot in the safety of our own homes, beaten behind closed doors, hurt by the people closest to us. Each and every day.
They tell us what to do and they silence us when we want to speak out. This is the reality women face every single day. Not just in South Africa, women across the world. We live in fear every day. We plan escape routes in our mind should something go wrong and we constantly second guess the men sitting across from us, because let’s face it, we do not know what is going through their mind when they look at us.
I could quote statistics until I am blue in the face, but that would still not be enough to express my rage. Yes, I am angry. I am angry that this continues to happen. It will happen again tomorrow, and it will happen the day after that.
Yes, this may seem negative and as if I have given up the big fight, but the reality is, until we teach our men that our bodies are not readily available for them and until we teach them that they are not to be feared, this will happen each and every day.
As a victim myself and being able to hide it so well, I know how hard it is to speak out against the abuser. I know the feeling of being constantly afraid and losing my innocence at a young age, but I also know that at this very moment there is another young girl being abused and is too afraid to speak out.
As my heart aches for all those lives lost and innocence taken, I wonder who is accountable. Parents? Teachers? Presidents? I do not have the answer but as a soon-to-be mother of a son, I endeavour to raise him with respect for all people, irrespective of their gender.
I will teach him love and appreciation. I will teach him boundaries. I will teach him that he is not owed anything. I will teach him that love is earned. I will teach him respect. But, most importantly, I will teach him that no one is his property and to speak out when his fellow friends disrespect women.
I will teach him not to harm.
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