The real BDSM
Earlier this week, I caught up with a Chris - a beautifully spoken young woman who got into the BDSM lifestyle about a year ago.
[In case you don’t know, BDSM stands for: B = bondage, D = domination, S = submission or sadism and the M = masochism]
Chis feels that Fifty Shades of Grey is a misrepresentation of how the lifestyle actually plays out.
In her words: “The movie is very one sided; they show Christian Grey as a selfish dominant. Ana didn’t really get to have much say in the relationship. It was more about Christian Grey’s needs, and satisfying those needs, and you didn’t get to see much of Ana and what she wanted. I feel that it represented the dominant community very wrongly, because being dominant is not a selfish position – it’s not a selfish role. In that relationship, the dominant and the submissive have to be equal.”
She feels the movie is a terrible way to educate people about BDSM. “Each relationship between a dominant and submissive is very different – there is no exact same relationship. It’s not accurate if you’re looking for information on BDSM.”
“People think it’s depraved and sick and twisted – but it really isn’t.”
I was blown away by her transparency and honesty.
Being totally green, I had burning questions I had to ask her about the lifestyle.
Like can you get hurt?
Yes, says Chris. “But in the relationship it’s between the dominant and the submissive to talk about the limits and the boundaries and how far they can go. You can use whips and chains, but you guys have to talk about what you are comfortable using and how far you are willing to go. There is a safe word - or words - that the submissive is allowed to use if they feel they are nearing their boundaries or if they are uncomfortable with what is happening. Then they use the safe word, and the dominant will cease all activity – or will slow down the activity to the submissive’s comfort.”
What about stigma, do they have a contract, do they swop roles and what are the rules?
Take a listen to the full interview below: