Counsellor's spicy take on looking through your partner's phone

The debate around sharing or checking each other’s phones in a relationship never seems to go away. It continues to spark debate because people have different views on privacy, trust, and boundaries.

Often, a request to go through a partner’s phone is seen as a sign of mistrust, and as a result, some people might secretly gain access to their partner's phone and go through it.

What happens when you actually find something suspicious on your partner's phone?

While the debate often focuses on whether it is right or wrong to go through a partner’s phone, the big question is what happens when you actually find something concerning or suspicious?

If you discover messages that seem inappropriate, do you immediately confront your partner? Do you admit that you went through their phone and give them an opportunity to explain? Or do you stay quiet and continue observing to see whether the behaviour continues?

Twist: Professional counsellor argues going through your partner's phone is not a sign of mistrust

A video currently making the rounds on social media offers a different perspective on going through your partner's phone.

Jordan, a licensed professional counsellor, took to TikTok to share what she described as a “spicy take” on the issue. According to her, asking to see your partner’s phone is not always a sign of mistrust.

Jordan argues that it is important to consider where the request is coming from. Could it be that your partner is experiencing anxiety or insecurity because of past relationship experiences?

To explain her point, she gives the following example:

"Let me kind of paint a picture before I give you my really spicy take about this. Let’s imagine that your partner, for whatever reason, is insecure in this relationship. Maybe they’ve had some relationship issues in the past or been cheated on, and they have all this anxiety, and the anxiety keeps coming up. And they come up to you and they say, 'Okay, I’m having one of my anxiety moments. I’m really worried. Can I just check your phone real quick'?”

According to Jordan, the response to that request may reveal more about the partner being asked than the person asking.

She says there are generally two reactions. The first possibility is that the person feels uncomfortable because they genuinely have something to hide. In that case, the idea of freely handing over their phone creates anxiety because there is information they do not want their partner to see.

The second reaction is, “You should just trust me.”

While Jordan understands that response, she argues that sometimes the person asking for the phone is not trying to control their partner or catch them doing something wrong. Instead, they may be struggling with anxiety that they do not want to have.

In her view, asking to see a partner’s phone can be a way of seeking reassurance rather than expressing mistrust. It is an attempt to calm anxiety and continue building trust within the relationship.

"Here’s what I want to suggest," she says. "The person who has anxiety in a relationship doesn’t want to have that anxiety. They’ve probably been hurt in the past. They have this racing voice in their head that they don’t want to have. Let’s give that person some grace. That them actually coming up to you and admitting this anxiety and asking to look through your phone is their way to get rid of the anxiety and to keep moving forward with trust."

Jordan argues that the person asking for the phone is essentially saying he/she doesn't want anxiety to ruin the relationship.

"Them coming to you with this anxiety is not actually an insult against you. It’s going, 'I trust this person so much that I’m going to let them into this chaos in my brain, and I’m just going to calmly ask to see their phone. And once I go through it, I’m going to thank them and I’m going to move on with my day because I don’t want this anxiety to affect our relationship'.”

For Jordan, the key difference is whether the request comes from a place of openness and vulnerability or from a pattern of control and suspicion.

The big question, however, remains: in a healthy relationship, should phones be completely off-limits, or should partners have access to each other’s devices?

@kenningtoncounseling I’ve got a hot take on if it’s okay to look through your partner’s phone 👀🔥 ##buildingtrust##cheating##healingfromheartbreak##healthyrelationship##lookingthroughhisphone##therapistsontiktok##couplestherapy##relationshipadvice##datingcoach ♬ original sound - Jordan Kennington