Darren Maule writes to Santa

Dear Santa

I hope you are well and I know this is a busy time of the year for you but I write to you every year and this year is no different.

Santa, I don't know if you haven't been getting my letters but I haven't heard from you since I was 7 years old... Has your address changed? This is the one I have always used is:

Santa Claus
N. P. S. C. 
P.O. Box 56099
North Pole
Alaska 99705-1099

Anyway, again, I know how busy you have been what with the population of the earth almost doubling in the last 150 years and with the price of reindeer food sky rocketing - but I haven't received anything from you in the last 30 Christmases... 

Just a few of the gifts that you 'forgot' to give me over the past few decades include :
(In no particular order)

World Peace.
Signed Farrah Fawcett poster.
Day pass to the Large Hadron Collider.
Pele's boots.
Neil Armstrong's helmet.
Michael Jackson's glove.
Flight on a Concorde.
A bag of British racing green M&M's.
James Bond's Aston Martin DB5.
A tour of the Bat-Cave.
Xanadu's roller skates.
A luck dragon.
A field trip to Hogwarts.
Maria Sharapova's sweaty pink peak cap.
R3 coin.

I have since lowered my expectations and am hopeful that this year will be the year that you drop off my present.

I've done the Maths and I know that you are under time and weight constraints. You have only 32 hours (traveling east to west at 17 000km/h) and having 112 million homes to visit I know that in order not to break the laws of science that you will be dropping off roughly 620 toys per second. 

So the present I request from you this year is very light and easy to deliver. In fact, you can just email it to me. Seeing as I have been an exceptionally good boy and considerate in my gift choice, I wait expectantly to see my present in my email inbox first thing Thursday morning 25th December 09h00 CAT.

Please Santa, for Christmas this year, please may I have Katy Perry's cell phone number please.

Yours expectantly
-The best behaved personality in the whole wide world-
Darren Maule

P.S. If you absolutely positively cannot get past Katy Perry's manager to get her number and you are too guilt ridden to compensate with another gift, then any one of the gifts on this handy list should help:

Prince's 'Purple Rain' guitar.
Jetlev Flyer Jet Pack.
PS4 + GTA5.
Preview release of Zack Snyder's "Superman Vs Batman."
3D printer.
Or
World Peace.

P.P.S Don't eat my neighbour's cookies.

If you could ask Santa for anything this Christmas - what would you ask for?