The rise of going "no contact" with toxic family members

Updated | By Lifestyle Reporter

An expert says the old days of "family is forever" are giving way to an emphasis on personal happiness.

woman deep sits near a christmas tree — File photo: iStock

Scores of people are cutting off toxic family members to protect their mental health.

'Tis the season for family gatherings, but that doesn't mean everyone's invited to Christmas lunch. A 2021 Cornell University study found that nearly one-third of Americans were suffering an estrangement from their family.

“That translates to 68 million people. Numbers don’t always speak for themselves, but in this case they kind of do; it’s much more prevalent than most people imagine," human development professor Karl Pillemer said.

The younger generation also appears to be more comfortable setting boundaries, even if it means not talking to their parents for years.

Parents are also cutting ties with difficult adult children. Scores of people have been sharing their experiences on social media using the hashtag 'no contact'.

Dr Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and author of 'Rules of Estrangement', tells Winfrey that there has been a radical change in the way people think about family.

"The old days of honour thy mother and thy father, respect thy elders, family is forever, is giving way to much more of an emphasis on personal happiness, personal growth, my identity, my political beliefs, and my mental health.

"So much so that today protecting my mental health is the single most common thing that I see in every single letter from every estranged adult child."

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Coleman believes that social media has exacerbated this issue, with many receiving support for their perspective from millions of strangers on the internet.

"These aren't people who actually know your parents or know your adult child. They're going to kind of tell you what you want to hear. So, there's this very inflammatory reaction that people have as a result of it.

"And partly that happens because we have become so divided as a society. People are kind of looking for their tribes... your tribe used to your family, and it still could if we figure out how to talk to each other."

Family drama is sometimes unavoidable, and disagreements are inevitable at times. It's essential to understand the difference between needing a time-out due to an annoying relative and walking away from an unhealthy or abusive situation.

Many experts see 'no contact' as a last resort. Some people might consider less contact before cutting off a family member completely.

Communication is key in these situations. Try discussing the problem with them and set boundaries if necessary. This could help improve the relationship.

If their toxic behaviour is a pattern, and they refuse to take accountability for their actions, it might be time to take a step back from the relationship.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is not a substitute for medical, mental health and professional advice. It is always advisable to consult with a qualified professional for guidance.

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