Are all men cheaters? Marriage counsellor weighs in
Is there any truth to the stereotype that all men cheat? Marriage counsellor Gerrie Pretorius weighs in.
Infidelity affects many relationships, whether in casual dating or marriage.
The Quest Investigations Group reports that between 50% and 60% of married men in South Africa have admited to cheating at some point in their relationships.
However, women aren't entirely off the hook either. Accoring to Investigations company, Cheaters Investigation South Africa, 40-50% of married women have also admitted to cheating on their spouse.
But is there any truth to the stereotype that all men cheat?
Marriage counsellor and founder of Life Councel, Gerrie Pretorius has been working with couples for 15 years. While he stresses that there is no excuse for betrayal, Pretorius is clear that not all men cheat.
Interestingly, Pretorius notes that most men who admit to cheating insist they still love their wives.
“Often you would hear men saying, ‘I still love my wife' or '[the other woman] doesn’t really mean anything to me',” he says.
Through his years of counselling, Pretorius says he has identified several common factors that can contribute to some men crossing boundaries in their relationships.
He is quick to clarify, though, that understanding these factors does not excuse or justify cheating.
Lust
Pretorius says one of the most common reasons is simply lust.
“It’s a lust thing," he says.
However, he says the situation can become more complicated because sex outside of a relationship can also lead to emotional attachment.
Pretorious says the reality is that when you engage in a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, "there’s always a connection. Some form an emotional connection, or perhaps start liking the person".
Alcohol and recreational drugs
When people are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, their judgement and ability to maintain boundaries can be affected.
Pretorius says that being in environments where heavy drinking, partying and other substances are involved can sometimes result in people engaging in risky behaviour.
However, being intoxicated does not remove personal responsibility for one’s actions.
Spending a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex
Another factor Pretorius points to is spending excessive time at work, particularly when that involves developing close relationships with colleagues of the opposite sex.
“If you’re always at work... you’re spending [more] time with a PA or with female colleagues, when you’re supposed to be at home,” he says.
Pretorius says that when someone invests more time in their work and colleagues than in their partner, emotional boundaries can easily blur.
Pornography
Pornography is another trigger that can sometimes contribute to infidelity.
Pretorius says that for some people, consuming pornography can lead to other online platforms, like dating websites or private chat groups.
Ego
Pretorius explains that men who feel the need to be in control may find it difficult when they are in a relationship with an independent partner.
In some cases, he says, this can contribute to a man seeking validation elsewhere.
Pretorius emphasises that cheating should not simply be dismissed as something that men are naturally programmed to do.
While various factors may contribute to infidelity, betrayal remains a decision made by an individual.
And for couples dealing with infidelity, understanding why it happened can be an important part in deciding whether to rebuild or move on.
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