LISTEN: This is what the stars have lined up for Darren, Keri and Sky

LISTEN: This is what the stars have lined up for Darren, Keri and Sky

It's a new year with new plans and a fresh start, so Keri decided to read her tarot cards for Darren and Sky to see what the stars have lined up for them.

darren keri and sky

Listen to what the stars have lined up for the team:

Mirror mirror on the wall, what does this year have for us after all?

Up first was Sky Tshabalala. He is a Capricorn and this is what his star says:

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and not a fan of cats. They are always on the move, especially moving between romantic partners. They are apparently good at math which makes them good at counting but not someone you can count on. Interestingly, most politicians are Capricorns. They like to think of themselves as charismatic and logical. In reality, they are not. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. 

But no matter how hard they try, they can’t keep a cellphone. Capricorns love reading up on the law, mainly to memorise all and any loopholes Capricorns love to be seen talking on their cell phones - unless said phone has been stolen. Interestingly, most of the time the Capricorn is on the phone to his/her mom because it is a fact that out of all the star signs, Capricorns have the least amount of friends. If you’re considering having a baby, DO NOT conceive in April as Capricorns went out of style in 1989. Capricorns still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns, as are most Liverpool fans.

Wow, the accuracy about Sky.

Next was our very own 007, Darren Maule, who is a Gemini:

Everyone loves a Gemini because as a social chameleon they will be whoever you want them to be. Gemini's like to think that they are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like a mix of Prince and Susan Boyle. Geminis are known to have personal drivers, mainly because they themselves often drive into trees, buildings or huge obvious holes in school parking lots. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. 

They pick fights with small children, old people, and people with the surname 'Miller'. Also, if there’s going to be someone mooning people at weddings… you’ve found your Gemini. Geminis aren’t keen to share so a single life suits them. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts, believe in the moon-landing, and rarely compete in the Olympics. 

When they do, it is usually pool, darts or air hockey. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Geminis LOVE talking and are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the shower where most of their thoughts happen. Geminis are frequently ambidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. To avoid a Gemini baby - you cannot conceive anywhere between the end of August and mid-September.

Damn, the stars coming through!

And last our lovely lady Keri, who is an Aries: 

Aries have bushy eyebrows and smug expressions. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries.

Aries usually do the wrong thing and often go on a tangent. Never point a fault out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries are never born. They skip with glee from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve roller blades. They are the most beautiful of all the star signs, though. The Aries make life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times but never actually love. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. 

Aries should NEVER be able to reproduce. Aries always hold management positions. Even if one is assigned to clean toilets, s/he will form a one-man union. Then s/he will go and picket in the parking lot. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. If you’re dating an Aries, raise your glass. If you’re NOT dating an Aries, raise your standards.

So it looks like it's going to be a bright year ahead for the Breakfast Team. We hope yours is too! 

Speaking of stars did you read this: Is Pearl Thusi dating NBA star Serge Ibaka?

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